I have always been an old soul; far more responsible, logical and worrisome than any normal adolescent should be and for no particular reason. I have always had a completely open and supportive family with just the right balance of encouragement without pressure. My sisters and I could be whatever we wanted to be or nothing at all and my parents would love us just the same.
Despite most adults not knowing where they want to be, children are always asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?" and you usually get the typical responses: astronaut, ballerina, fireman. But I was never that kid. I had a plan.
Growing up I always knew I wanted to do something creative; a journalist/ photographer for National Geographic, best-selling author or Oscar-winning film maker. I started out strong too making my first movie before I could even drive. Forgetting the fact that it was a remake of Scream starring my Barbies, the production was impressive! Costumes (black pantyhose with the white fabric crotch serving as the iconic Ghostface mask) soundtrack (provided by my keyboard & a scary sounds tape) script (all improvised), sets (a dollhouse lit with flashlights and a Hess branded toy police car to name a few) voice-overs…all me and my best friend. It took us 3 days of incredibly hard work, rewrites and re-shoots but I tell you, those 11 ½ minutes were silver screen gold! We had plans for a sequel but unfortunately it never came to fruition due to creative differences.
Still I attempted to keep the dream alive when I went off to college. First enrolling in the journalism program and then ultimately switching to TV and film production. I promised myself I would use my degree and training for its intended purposes and not have to get a “real job” after graduation. I was going to be the one in a million and I was going to do it by the time I was 30 no less! Sigh, to be young and full of hope and optimism.
And while I am lucky to have a good paying job that puts a roof over my head (such an adult saying) and still allows for a few vacations a year, the truth is…I feel like a failure. Admittedly I have always been hard on myself and that aforementioned responsibility and logic have come to be both an asset and a curse.
I am no stranger to hard work but I have never been a risk taker. I do everything I am “supposed” to do but it’s always a double-edged sword. I like stability but long to be a free spirit. Right after graduation, I was working on a TV show and loving every minute of it. But unfortunately it was freelance and the shoot ended. Instead of pursuing another gig, I freaked out and told myself I needed to get a full-time job with benefits. And so here I am, 13 years later working in a cubicle like the rest of the timid dreamers trying to spark that hope and optimism of my youth, that the Oscar or Pulitzer is still out there waiting for me. So as a baby step I have decided to start a blog. I figured at the very least it gets me back into a creative forum, albeit in a “dear diary” sort of way…minus all the JTT entries.
